what am i going to do with my life???

i shouldn't have to try this hard
and i'm tired of trying, nagging, and being disappointed
that just makes it worse.

sick of it.
urrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh
why does this have to be hard??????

dont depend on others for happiness, depend on God and he wont let you down.

riding in rik's beat up old car squished in the back seat with stina and dodson singing our faces off to ridiculous songs
and watching family guy in their parents room
and going to walmart to look at discount movies
and drinking lots of coffee and monsters and DIET COKE
and riding home blasting the across the universe soundtrack and always going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, especially past the cops, who drove straight past
and still singing my face off
and having shank wars
poor stina
she got pwned for sitting in the middle

fun fun fun

people shouldn't take really good things for granted.
it bothers me.
that's all i'm gonna say

i'm so sick of change.
i dont think i can handle anymore
AHHHHH

What kind of director doesn't even have the balls to stand up for his own mistakes and not blame the only thing that went good at the concert???? You're so stupid that you can't even understand that when you put us up there in front of the other fucking choirs its going to look akward, dumbass. How can you expect us to sing along with them on the spot when we dont know the fucking song? Thank you so much for ruining jazz music for everyone there, i just love feeling so disappointed and frustrated and nothing i do will get through your thick skull. And what the hell is with your songs!? We're not the fucking kings west roundup, we're called jazz choir for a reason. Take your number one country hits and go back to eastern washington.

So life is different now. First of all, i've realized how much i need my friends. Seriously, i almost died today when one of my better friends wasn't at school. Secondly, I HATE CHANGE. i have this problem, it's called being a dramatic female, and i have the hardest time not comparing now to the past. I had it sooooooo good last year. It's like, everbody around me is moving on and doing fine but i'm stilll stuck in last year. This year is soo much different and i can't do anything about it but try to deal with it. There's so many things that i miss and i know it will never be the same again (most emo but true statement on my livejournal i'm sure). I can't help but think about what could be better and what HAS been better. All i need is a little more support maybe, is that too much? I'm trying so hard and struggling with just looking at the positive and making the best of it, and i should get credit for trying, right?
I dont know...

i hate this. my last days of summer are spent being sad and dreading school and waiting until the next time i work and not really doing anything else. and i kind of want school to start so i at least have something to do but not i'm really not looking forward to it. and i have to still read a book and read 3 chapters from another and write a fat-ass essay.
i'm so stressed and really miserable right now
God...help me

today was the suck
i hate being stuck at home while everyone else is doing fun stuff
gahh
it seems like everything has been so disappointing today
at least it's almost over
hopefully tomorrow will be happier





i complain too much

strange? weird? insane?
nahh
how about undecided...
i have no idea what's going on in my brain right now!!!
one minute i feel like crying for no real reason or some horrible thought suddenly pops into my head
and the next minute i'm totally fine
...
i'm blaming PMS but this really hasn't happened before to me
it's been going on for like a week now
i don't get it!!
i just want me to feel normal again
and maybe i'd be able to tell people how i am because i'd actually know what's wrong or not wrong

gahhh

this is frusturating.

maybe it will go away in a few days

or maybe i'm going insane and i need therapy.

asfj;sadkmcdaofueiojfkldajfldjmcodufad;sflaskdfjasdlfkmfdmkfuckkkjkklj;kmcoaffajdflasmdckodfuiadfafkmsfd

that's all.

<3

"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him"

that verse is my verse for the year...especially this week


<3

i feel like crap
a FAT piece of crap

so FRUSTRATING!!
;ALKJDDMOADMFAOSRJEIOAJDFKASJDFASDFOEURR02URASJDFKLSMDCKCM'ADFJDAFJDKJFADKSMCKLADSFJDSFLJAGHOADFHA'SFJSADFJSADFKSDDFLDJ;FL;JKFL;FJAKM;LDJCOIDAJFLKDFLAKDJFA;DJF!

AHHHHHBIAJHKFJDAFKLDSMNFASDIFNSLKDNFIASDNFKSADFJFUCKIJHOKMNOCNJDIASNFKSJFALKMCOAIDNFKALDFKASNDKAMCOADFIDNFALSDJFKDLKCMADOIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously, if someone has a problem with me
why in their right mind would they go and talk to ANYONE else about it?!
and maybe, just maybe actually tell me why they're mad and why they've been ignoring me
and all of a sudden burst out and say i have my head up my ass?!
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!!
"that's probably why she's mad at you"
NO. that's not why
she's mad because she's bitchy and horribly jealous of not having EVERYONE's attention, and she just wants to create drama
GAHHHH
what am i supposed to say...?
i'm sorry i have a boyfriend??
well, no, i'm not sorry AT ALL.
i've come to realize that i don't need friends who are only able to talk about their problem with me behind my back and not in my face
and i don't need friends who get angry over TINY things that i didn't even know i was doing


BAHH

that was my rant for the day.

I miss Idaho.
it was basically amazing
hooray
being a jazz choir nerd ROCKS
i love everyone in that group
now i'm sick
and everyone that went is sick
and i feel like crapp
oh well
i'll take a shower
and some PILLS
then i'll feel good
life is good
♥

I think i'm going crazy. I blame PMS, but still...gahhh. Yesterday, for example, i got up and was totally fine. I put on some clothes and my mom told me i couldn't wear the shirt i was wearing cuz she thought it was too low or something. So then i got all mad and said some stuff most sane people wouldn't say in front of their parents. So then my mom started getting mad at me and yelling and stuff and i was yelling back, then i just started to cry. I didn't know why i was crying though. Then i went to school and was fine. Then i went to the dentist and was still okay. Then i went home and talked to Nate. And then i started to get really depressed for some reason, then i went to bed all emo about absolutely nothing. Now i'm just kinda mellow. I'm not sure how i'm felling right now...

that's all.
...listen to the Shins...

Things i love:

Jesus.

Nate.

Death Cab For Cutie.

life.

the end.

yeah Stina was right
it should bug me...
and it does...
i want my brain to shut off so i can stop worrying
...gezeki[sob]...
<3 <=emoheart
&yeah
that's it.

life is good
i'm listening to Foo Fighters
talking to my AMAZING boyfriend
drinking some wonderful diet cherry coke
and i just finished my Christmas shopping
all done!
yayyyy
I love Christmas time so much
December is like my favoritest month
everything is so warm and happy
i have nothing to complain about